If I have a talent I excel at,that's appeasing people's bullshit.
No,really.No need to be modest about it.I am brilliant at appeasing bullshit.And the more I like you,the more compelled I feel to appease your bullshit.In fact,If I had to print my personal call card,it'd look something like this:
''Appeasing Your Bullshit Services''
Of course,as is to be expected,I had given my vice a different name;I called it ''Empowering people''.
But that was just another way of appeasing my very own bullshit.Because there's a big difference between empowering people and appeasing their bullshit.
Here's the difference:
Empowering people means helping them by example,encouragement or your actions to bring out the best in them and fulfill their potential.
The byproduct of empowering someone is both of you becoming stronger and better.
Examples of empowering people:mentoring a new coworker,encouraging someone's artistic endeavors,cheering on someone's efforts to change their life for the better,giving love and understanding to your partner when they are down and need it the most,letting your children try their hand at a new,challenging project.
Appeasing people's bullshit,on the other hand,means giving in to their unrealistic expectations of what they think you should be,do,have,look or behave like,regardeless of what feels right for you.
The byproduct of appeasing people's bullshit is that you are left feeling weak,drained and resentful,with the possibility of becoming a doormat for the rest of your life.
Examples of appeasing people's bullshit:dressing in a certain way to please someone other than yourself,taking part in certain activities or frequenting certain places because your friends do so,engaging in sexual practices you loathe because your partner is keen on them,selling your time and soul to a job or boss for money,being subservient to your romantic partner in the name of true love,blindly following the orders of a religious/cult leader in the name of God or enlightenment.
My personal,sad story of how I started appeasing bullshit began in the womb;I was an unwanted baby,the result of a lovemaking 'accident'.My mother,sick and tired of having four kids,no money and a string of bad luck,decided to abort me.Early on in her pregnancy she was given an abortive injection-twice- and when that still didn't succeed in getting rid of me she decided to go for the more aggressive method.
On that very same day she had the appointment with a doctor for the abortion,her oldest,16 year old son-the brother I was destined never to meet-died in a tragic accident.He died in my father's arms in an ambulance on the way to a bigger hospital in a nearby town.My mother considered his death a punishment from God for wanting to abort me.(Like,God told her:''So you wonna get rid of one of your kids,hah?OK,I will grant you your wish,but I 'll get to decide which kid will have to go'').And that's why she didn't have the abortion and kept me (and became a very religious woman).
Now,if you begin your life sensing -as all fetuses sense their mother's energy towards them- that you are God's punishment to your mum,you internalise her feelings and come to the subconscious conclusion that you are unwanted and unloved not just by your mum but by life and the world in general.You somehow have this nagging feeling that you owe it to the world just because you happen to be alive,And since no human being can survive without love,you craft coping mechanisms to earn people's love you so desperately yearn for.
You realise people around you seem to like you more when you do as they wish.So you become the 'easiest' baby in the world,one that never ever cries,not when you are hungry,not even when you are sick,in an attempt to 'be good' and win people's love.The ony time I ever cried as a toddler was when I was left at home alone for a while:I ran out of the door screaming,terrified that I had been abandoned by everyone.
And so my history of appeasing people's bullshit begun.I kept doing it with people I really cared about,like family,friends,favourite teachers etc.The only person I felt no need to appease was my father,because he loved me unconditionally anyway.On the other hand,I was a totally different person with people I did not like or care about: rebellious,stubborn,downright rude even.
And I've kept at it throughout my life.You can only imagine how my appeasing bullshit went into full gear when I met the person I loved more than anything else in the world,my husband.Or when I had my children that I love more than my life.Don't get me wrong now,my husband is a wonderful,caring man that loved me as much as I did.And our kids are adorable,multi-talented,loving creatures.But sadly it is inherent in human nature to take advantage of those that ask to be taken advantage of.When someone offers you to become your spineless,easily-manipulated,adoring doormat in exchange for your love,it is very tempting to accept their offer.
Make no mistake about it,I was well aware of what was going on.Except I called it unconditional love and being a true christian.I mean,it's easier to tolerate the pain and disempowerment of always appeasing bullshit if you believe you are an angelic person and not a pathetic sucker.Plus,I was and still am a very determined,take-no-nonsense go-getter in my business life as an entrepreneur,so it was hard for me to realise how self-defeating my vice was in my personal life.
But the thing is,we all evolve as human beings.And evolving means setting yourself free from soul-crushing practices and habits.
So one day,just like that,my appeasing bullshit was busted.
When something like this happens,there are three possible scenarios:
a/You stop appeasing people's bullshit,they resent it,threaten to leave,you become scared of losing their love,so you give in to their bullshit once again.
b/You stop appeasing people's bullshit,they realise what they've been doing to you all along,change their ways and both you and they become wiser and happier
c/you stop appeasing people's bullshit,they resent it,hate you for it and leave your life permanently or for ever
Maybe you,like me,are prone to the self defeating habit of appeasing bullshit.Maybe there's a sad story behind your own forming of this habit.I feel for you,believe me.But no matter what our issues are,there is absolutely no excuse for going on with it.Let's stop hiding behind our traumas,despositions and problems.We were the enablers to our own mistreatment.And life is always here to change on every single moment we keep occupying this planet.
Be the New You RIGHT NOW.
All it takes is a decision.Stop appeasing people's bullshit.It's bad for your soul.And theirs.
Stand up tall and say 'No'.When I finally found it in me to do that,I went-and still am,I guess- into panic mode.The little toddler in me that is scared shitless of being left alone and unloved has this overwhelming urge to run out of the doors screaming:
-''Don't leave me,I'll do any thing,ANYTHING you want me to,just don't leave me!''
But I check myself just in time.I pray to God for strength,bite my tongue,grit my teeth,draw from my inner sources of strength and keep saying 'No'!
God wants us to be as free,strong and happy as He is.After all,He made us after His very own image and liking.And we simply cannot be either free,strong or happy if we keep feeding our own and other people's bullshit in the name of love.God brought us into this world to become all that we can be and glorify Him through our self-empowerment and enlightenment in life.
I know I won't disappoint Him.And neither,I pray,will you.
Love and peace
pictures from here