Do you get hurt?
I rarely do. But when I do,I reeeeeeeeally do!
I'm the kind of person that prides herself in being full of compassion for others. (Or so they tell me).
Now being the compassionate type doesn't go well with getting hurt, does it.
Here's what I mean. You hurl an insult to my face? I laugh it off,because poor old you, it's not about me (oh yes it is,but that's another story),it's about you and your issues.You come to me with a mile-long list of stupid complaints about things that you personally hold me accountable for, that are not really my fault and beyond my power to change? I'll listen to your rantings forever, patiently nodding at each ridiculous claim. It's called compassion,right? (its called stupidity,in case you wondered). You are being blatantly unfair to me? Awww,baby,how hurt you are inside,vent as much as you want,I 'm here for ya! You are doing something which causes raised eyebrows and/or ridicule from others? I'll take your side behind your back,telling everyone how hard it is to be you and wouldn't they have done the same thing if they were in your shoes?
Yes, when shit happens I suck it all up and try honestly to not take things personally.
This method sucks. Big time.
Because it never allows me to fully experience my own bitterness and pain.
So part of it stays inside. Poisoning me. Weakening me. Making me less and less the person I'd like to be. The Wow me of my dreams.
Until one big thing happens.
A thing that forces you, really forces you, to come to grips with the ugly side of people and the fact that some of them are deliberately out there to hurt you,manipulate you,take advantage of you,ridicule you,devastate you. Not because you were randomly picked,oh no,that would be easy to deal with,but because your kindness and understanding,tolerance and loving nature was perceived as gullibility and naivety and weakness and a moral flaw that would make you an easy target for their amoral purposes. When,in the face of evidence to the opposite, you keep forgiving and trusting and sympathising with them,they translate your tolerance as stupidity and go on screwing you up even more.
Until one day that you catch them red-handed lying and deceiving you in the most blatant manner. In exchange for all the kindness and trust and openness of heart they received from you. No matter how hard you try,you can find no excuse for the pain they are causing you. Because you realise they did it for personal gain and for fucking you up.
Then there is no more hiding from it.You are hurt. Damn it,admit it. You are hurt and heart broken and devastated and what makes it even more unbearable is the fact that they most likely enjoy it reducing you to that state,because it probably was part of their initial plan.
It happened to me. And I could no longer hide under my compassionate nature because how can there be any room for compassion for the hypocrite who is being convicted because of hard evidence that they themselves throw at your face?
My first reaction was to do my thing: hide behind oblivion. Don't think about it. Forgive and forget. Remove them from my life,yes,but at the same time ignore my feelings,hide my pain,forget about it,get on with my life.
Except I couldn't do that this time. Because there were no excuses,because the unfairness of it all, my compassionate nature just couldn't kick in. All that remained was the hurting part. And the resentment. And the anger.
This time I'll give in to it. I'm giving myself permission to experience it fully. To feel hurt and in pain,to feel red hot hatred in my veins for being unfairly and ungratefully taken advantage of. No new agey stuff about peace,light and love,not this time. This will probably come much much later,when the experience is no longer raw and bleeding. And even then,some parts of it won't go away .Ever.
So I'm having this inner dialogue of how I intend to shut down my facebook page,because it gave access to my stuff for a bunch of people who might be connected to the offending party .
I implore myself to reconsider.
-Because interacting and sharing with like minded people makes you happy,girl,that's why!''
-''But I don't want those nasty people in my list. ''
-''Why not delete just those?''
-''Because I can't be really sure about who they are,I might be wrong.''
-''Can't you narrow down your list?''
-''Yes I can, but even if I do that I'd still have to delete a whole lot of web friends that have nothing to do with this nasty thing.''
-''Do it. It's called casualties in the war for your peace of mind.. Surely your peace of mind is more important than pleasing people who really don't care about you in the first place''.
So I did.
If you are one of the (104 to be precise) casualties and you had nothing to do with the whole nasty thing,my apologies. That's life. Shit happens. To the best of us.
If you are one of the handful that did have a lot to do with it,screw you. You can kiss my ass.